Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Delaying the Journey

You know, I think I'm mostly trying to write a journal because I want to feel like my life is something worth writing about? Maybe that's why I always stop keeping up with it. Because when it comes right down to it, I don't feel that way at all. I feel like my life is more like... well, you know in books and movies where the person just lives a normal life up until a certain point, and then something happens and an adventure starts? I feel like I'm still at the pre-adventure stage. Which is totally not good. The adventure should have started the moment I became a Christian. But I didn't let it.

I'm a thinker. I want to know everything there is to know about something before I jump in and try it. I've spent an incredible amount of time now learning about Christianity instead of living it. For the past couple of days, I've been really emotional, and when I'm emotional, I go through this thing where I spend a lot of time thinking and measuring my life, and comparing it to how I think it should be. I compare myself to the character I would have created if I were writing the story. But you know what? I'm not. God is writing this story, and I guess I just need to accept that. I can't rewrite it. I can only add to what the character, myself, has already done.

Don't get me wrong. I've done some cool stuff. But I still feel as though my real adventure, my journey in Christ, is stuck at the pre-journey stage. Like I'm just preparing and preparing in order to stall my departure. Maybe because I'm afraid?

If life were a giant target, and the Will of God, the one place where you're truly, truly alive, was the bullseye, then I'm the kind of person who climbs onto the target at an early age (I got saved at the age of 12) but then runs around on it, crossing the bullseye from time to time but never really staying there. I'm also the kind of person who feels frustrated and defeated because of this. I feel God whispering to my heart, "Has your Journey even started yet?" Because here I am trying to learn to be a good Christian, a good writer, a good wife, a good mom... and I'm getting so distracted that I'm not letting all of those things become part of my adventure. I'm trying to master them before I depart.

At this point, if I were a character in a book, the author wouldn't have even bothered to start writing yet. Or, if they did, they would be writing only the first few pages - the pages that let the reader know a little background, so they're aware of how the character arrived at the place where they were when the adventure finally began.

But why do I keep delaying? Fear, I guess. Fear of failure. Fear of hurting someone without meaning to, because of a lack of foreknowledge, if that's even a word. Fear of rejection, something that's extremely common when you allow your story to be part of Christ's story.

But the truth is, I want all of that. I don't want to be afraid. I want to go through whatever suffering is out there, so I can grow and become closer to God. I've experienced a little of that already, and it really does bring you closer to Him, as long as you stay with Him through it. But that's another page altogether.

I'm tired of being afraid. I'm tired of delaying the journey. Whether I know everything right now or not, Lord, I'm ready to step out for you and let you teach me fully. There are things you can't learn until you're actually out there, living your adventure. I understand that now. You learn by experience. So let's do this!

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