Thursday, February 16, 2012

Not good enough.

Lately I've kind of been struggling with the feeling that I'm not good enough. I feel like I'm failing in my attempts to glorify God with my life. I keep doing things I know not to do, and then on the other hand I keep not doing things I know I should do. (Sound familiar? Romans 6, anyone?) I feel the same way with my mothering and... uh, wifing?.

On the spiritual side, I think it's just hard for me to accept the fact that I don't have to be "good enough" for God. That I'm accepted already, just like I am... it feels kind of like I should have to do better or something. Not to earn salvation or anything, but to honor him, I guess. I don't know. To thank him properly. By living for him. You know what I mean, right? But I don't feel like I'm honoring him very well. Like I'm not doing "good enough."

I mentioned these feelings in an email to my sister-in-law, along with my frustrations about not being able to focus and be "all there," and her response was so incredibly eye-opening that I had to share it here.

...maybe it has to do with the focusing part. You feel all over the place, so in the end you don't feel like you have accomplished anything at all, thus feeling not "good enough". I'm not sure that that exactly makes sense...

It totally made sense! It's not like I think I have to be better than I'm capable of being. Life is a journey, after all. You don't just pop up at the end. You develop as you go. God sort of molds and shapes you (if you let him, anyway), and you learn and grow and mature... So no, I don't feel like I have to be perfect. I just feel like I should be doing my best and putting my full effort in, and when I'm trying to do several things at once, or when my mind is wandering or I'm thinking about the next thing that has to be done, I don't give my full effort and attention to what I'm doing at the moment. So therefore I end up feeling like I didn't give it my best (because I didn't) and then I feel guilty because I want to give my best for God.

So there it is! Now it makes sense. But just because it makes sense doesn't mean I'll overcome it. God, please HELP ME WITH THIS!!! Haha, isn't it ironic that we need God's help to honor God? Lol. We're so useless on our own. But, you know, if we could be godly and righteous on our own we wouldn't need a savior, would we?

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